You must be joking!
by Luin Merenil
Summary: I would like to say I'm very brave, a beautiful warrior and strong at heart. I would like to say that the Valar sent me to ME for a great cause. But, what's the use of lying through my teeth? A GDIME story. Not a Mary sue. You may not want to read.
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue**

Disclaimer: I do not own anything. And I never will.

A/N: Please make the effort to read the whole thing before clicking the back button.

Statutory warning: Do not try the following stunt at home. :P

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Nothing in my life was out of ordinary.

So, it came as a real surprise when my inter-dimensional transport vehicle was as unconventional as a banana peel, rather than a swirling vortex or a rainbow portal or, well, Death itself, as is the general norm.

No, scratch that. That was me messing up my priorities again. The REAL bomb-shell was, as you have already figured out, the inter-dimensional travel. The mode of transport comes as a close second.

So, this is how all the weird activities started. It was a normal Monday morning, with all its bleary and dreary glory and then there was me, following a normal routine. A normal routine that generally consisted of muttering curses regarding why the college had to remain open six days a week and trudging along the road towards the afore-mentioned pit of hell. Little did I know, …

"WOOAAAAAHHHHH!"

…. in that very day and for many more days to come, I would be frantically wishing to the powers above for the monotonous life-style to return and….

….. that I would be cursing any person who dared to utter the name of that blasted fruit in front of me.

Yeah, so that's what happened. I slipped on a conveniently placed banana peel, hit my head on the pavement and when I came to my senses, I found myself staring at a beautifully carved ceiling, lying on a fluffy soft bed, listening to the chirping of birds, gurgling of streams etc., etc. Then I looked to my side, to see the most striking grey eyes I've ever seen , staring at me with so much love that…

Nuh-uh. Nothing of that sort happened except, well, the first two incidences. If only life was that easy and the Fates had a better sense of humour.

So, where was I? Oh yes, I slipped and fell. And hit my head quite hard. And when I came back to my senses…..

I immediately wished I hadn't.

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A/n 2: The next chapter will be longer, I promise. How was the prologue? I might update tomorrow. This is my first multi-chapter fic, so I need inspiration. In the form of reviews. So, please review?


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1: I almost get "killed" by a forest.**

**Recap** (Because my posts are oh-so-regular)**:** Our protagonist does a "banana-travel", as to quote one of my reviewers, and ends up Eru knows where. After that…

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I never knew forests could be that scary.

Ah well, I also never knew bananas were such a convenient source for people's inconvenience.

The things you learn these days.

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As I slipped, I closed my eyes and braced myself for the impact. Which came as quite a bit nastier than I had expected. Instead of hitting the smooth pavement, I fell on something gnarled and ….. uncomfortable.

I opened my eyes.

And immediately wished I hadn't.

I was in a forest.

A forest.

A strangely Sinister looking forest. Sinister with a capital S.

When I should have been sitting in the middle of a pavement, with cars speeding past in the road. Not only there wasn't even the faintest sign of a road (forget cars) but also, as far as I knew, Sunderbans, the closest forest in our vicinity, was minimum a hundred kilometers away.

So where the heck was I?

I considered the chances of a concussion, but since I had landed on my hands and knees, my head was safe from the impact.

So, when I finally realized the fix I was in, I did the only irrational (and probably the most predictable) thing.

"HELP! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP! ANYONE THERE? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…"

Yeah, I freaked out. Now, normally I would say I'm brave woman, but you know, circumstances….. things happen.

Hey, stop laughing! You would have done the same thing if you were in my place!

Why?

Let me tell you why.

Firstly, suppose on a fine morning, you were on your merry (or not so merry) way to where you go daily, school, college, uni, office, etc. etc. when you suddenly get assaulted by the One Banana of Doom.

Secondly, you find out that you have been teleported by the same Evil One to some weird forest-y place, a kind of place that is scaring the living daylights out of you and then suddenly realize, you have no survival skill whatsoever.

Thirdly, you are missing your all-in-one bag.

Fourthly, you are dead afraid of ghosts.

Yeah, I would like to see you laugh then.

And no, the fourth point was not unrelated.

I swear, the forest is spooked. Every single moment I felt like I was being watched, scrutinized, inspected as some sort of a specimen, ready to be dissected by the owners of the eyes. And when I looked back, there was nothing to be seen except tall, green, nasty-looking trees.

Trust me; it was not a pretty feeling.

"…AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH."

Now that I think about it, I shouldn't have screamed (though that saved my life, before which I nearly got killed. No scratch that, I could have been killed anyway.). The silence that pervaded the forest, except for the whispering of the wind (I would have thought it was the trees if I was insane), was in one word, oppressive. But the one that came after I stopped yelling my lungs out was simply too overpowering. I felt caged. It was, as if, the trees were closing upon me. I was always claustrophobic, but I never thought that anything other than a closed room and darkness could precipitate the attack. It was maddening, I couldn't breathe, my eyes started watering, my head started to swim from the lack of oxygen. I clawed at my neck, thinking all the time, I need to breathe. Inhale. Calm down.

But nothing could make me follow those vital steps. Panic attack and claustrophobia never go well hand in hand. And now these trees, which somehow felt alive, more alive than trees I've always seen through my entire life, more hostile, more vengeful, full of wrath, hatred and bitterness, all directed towards the two-legged creatures that has been the bane of their existence ever since the creation, was delighted to see one of the enemies in their clutches, flailing and writhing. I begged for forgiveness, though for what I don't know, all the time, a thought ran in the back of my mind, is this what the environmentalists continues to warn us about?

"I need to get out of this place fast", I thought. "This is no mere forest, it is the storehouse of centuries of feelings, all twisted and deranged with abhorrence and ire, so much so, that the feelings are tangible. I must get up now."

Btu I couldn't. Looking down, I saw my legs firmly ensnared in the grip of massive roots. I panicked again. I tried with all my might to pull the legs out, but it was fruitless. The more I tried, the more the pressure increased. Exhaustion was starting to build. Then I became aware of the continuous humming that I have not noticed in my dilemma.

*** ***"Sleep…. Sleep. Rest your mind, rest your roots."*** ***

My eyes stared to droop. My grip on the roots started to falter.

The humming continued.

I shook my head. I couldn't afford to fall asleep here of all places.

The song became stronger.

I relaxed against whatever was there behind me. Just a moment's nap wouldn't hurt anyone.

The humming filled my head. It became louder till that was the only sound I could concentrate on.

Must not sleep… must not… sleep…..must not…. sleep….. sleep…

The last thing I remember was the sudden stoppage of the song followed by a mad cackling.

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*** * * * **Things in asterisks mean what she doesn't understand.

You know you are a fanfic author when even the autocorrect starts to convert merry to Merry.

**A/N:** I'm sorry that the update took so long. I had to discard three drafts and this is the fourth one.

So, any guesses to where she is now? ;)

Could I convey the panic and terror she felt? Or was it not that good? I would love to know.

Please read and review? Help a poor author become a better one. Please?

A shout-out to those who reviewed, favourited and followed:

**Borys68  
>1Corinthians1313<br>theviolinxx **( Thank you! I would have replied earlier if you had an account.)**  
>horseyyay.<strong>

Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 1: The Gods must be crazy (atleast Tulkas is).**

**Recap: **Our protagonist is sent to some weird forest, where the trees are trying to kill her…..

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Meanwhile,

In Valinor…..

"Now look what you have done!"

Tulkas gulped. Yes, he could even laugh in the face of Morgoth, but all his smiles were forgotten in front of the extremely irate Weaver.

"But, can't you just sew it back?"

It took Vairë all her patience and self-control to prevent herself from strangling him. "Do you even understand the implications of this? This…. this fabric was supposed to be a continuation of Time, past, present and future. And now it is ripped to pieces just because of THOSE HOUNDS! What gave you the idea to do set free those hounds in the Halls? You don't even like them!"

He hung his head. He just couldn't tell her that he had always thought that Halls of Mandos needed a bit of amusement and had just brought in those hounds to liven up things a little. No one would understand. And Eru, Oromë was going to kill him. He should have asked before borrowing those pets of his without permission. And who knew, they would find Vairë's weaving an interesting chew-toy?

He tried to pacify the Valië, "What will be the outcome of this? Surely it cannot be that grave….."

His words died in his throat. The look that she sent him was enough to make him aware of the seriousness of the situation.

"Right."

"Just go and inform the others", she hissed. "We need to have a meeting."

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In the site where our protagonist slipped, a few thousands of years after the "accident" in Valinor….

Cameras zoomed to show the face of two hysterical man, shouting.

"….and the girl just slipped and disappeared and instead that tre appeared out of nowhere, and IT WAS TRYING TO STRANGLE US! I SWEAR, THE BLASTED TREE WAS TYRING TO KILL US….. No, we are not mad, LET US GO!"

The men were seen to be carted off in an ambulance.

In the narrow alley, just adjacent to the said site of mishap, a cloaked man, whose only visible part was his lengthy white beard, heaved a great sigh.

So it has begun.

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I do not own the chapter title; it is taken from an awesome movie title.

I am going to see The Hobbit: BotFA today. #OneLastTime

"Vairë the Weaver is his spouse, who weaves all things that have ever been in Time into her storied webs, and the halls of Mandos that ever widen as the ages pass are clothed with them."

-"Of the Valar", Valaquenta, Silmarillion

I just have taken the liberty of thinking that Vairë also weaves of matters of present and the future. Kind of like the Fates.

What are your thoughts regarding this chapter? Or this story? I'm all ears.

A shout-out to those who reviewed, favourited and followed:

**alexma  
>Borys68<br>LadyLucy1990**

Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 3: I'm rescued by a munchkin and a weirdo. (a.k.a. I get to meet Pretty Leafy Lady)**

**Recap:** Well, the last chapter was just a sucky attempt to explain why the protagonist landed in ME all of a sudden. It's better you forget that. Moving on…

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# #"HELP! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!"# #

Gorbulas stopped in his tracks. Was the Forest playing tricks on him again? It would not be the first time; the trees did have a strong dislike for two-legged creatures. The words were unfamiliar, was it a new sorcery?

# #"ANYONE THERE?" # #

This alarmed him more. It sounded so close! What on Earth could the Forest be planning again? But, did it sound a bit desperate?

He was torn in between trying to found out the source of scream and continue on his merry way. Though it seemed like it was from the same path he was following, he wasn't sure that he wanted to find out what nasty plots the trees have been cooking in their crooked minds.

But what if someone was really in trouble? He shook his head, very few ventured in these parts and besides, it was nothing of his concern, was it?

But then, at last, when he heard the final scream, his steps faltered. That definitely sounded like someone was in heaps of trouble.

Oh no, what if the Old Willow was trying to smother someone again?

Against his will, his feet turned towards the direction from whence the shriek had come. He tried to run, but running in a forest is in itself a tricky business, let alone The Old Forest. The more he tried to run, the more resistance he felt. The brambles became thicker, the undergrowth started to wrap around his feet, branches started to fall on him. Exasperated, he shouted,

"Oh, for that love of all things that grow, why do you have to be so stubborn? Just let me pass!"

As if in answer, the trees hissed. It became more difficult to navigate through the forest.

He sighed. "Have it the hard way, will you?"

He started a merry tune, though it was hard to maintain a jolly state of mind in the accursed forest. A tune, taught by a friend, to be used in times of great need, exactly like this.

_*#__"Ho! Tom Bombadil! Tom Bombadillo!  
>By water, wood and hill, by the reed and the willow,<br>By fire, sun and moon, harken now and hear me!  
>Come, Tom Bombadil,for my need is near me!"<br>_

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I yawned and rolled to my side. Now that was one heck of a nightmare. Evil singing forest and madly cackling trees, trying to swallow people in? Hah, effect of too much fairy tale staying in my brains.

A gentle push.

"One more minute, mom."

Another push, this time harder.

I buried my head in the pillow to prevent the voices from reaching my ears.

Wait, voices? Since when do my mother have a distinctly masculine voice?

And where is my pillow?

I sat up bolt upright…

"Ow."

"Uff!"

….. and banged my head onto the person leaning over me.

And when I looked up to apologize, my apology died in my throat.

It was no dream. I was still in the blasted forest. Only, difference was that I was not locked inside the tree anymore. And I was still leaning on it.

I quickly scuttled away from it. It was then I noticed two persons standing and looking at me weirdly.

As if I was the weird one here.

One of them was a foreigner child, fair, chubby, with curly hair and he wasn't the oddest one there (tough his dress seemed a bit medieval, but I digress). The grown up man, who might have been the kid's father, was wearing a tall battered hat (with a blue FEATHER stuck on it), matching blue coat and…. yellow boots? And what was wrong with the kid's feet?

The youngest people in the company cleared his throat and I started.

# # "Uh, I'm sorry for staring and also, for the earlier head-bang." I tried to smile, "You see, I am having a real bad day and I don't know, how I ended up in this forest and that tree tried to KILL me…." # #

I stopped at their blank look. I sounded like a loony myself, so how was I supposed to convince them of my dilemma? I sighed.

"I know, none of you would believe, but I swear, I wasn't lying! I can explain, I guess." They glanced at each other but I didn't stop this time, "Trust me, now this forest is quiet and it seems quite normal, but it wasn't so…."

The older man nodded at the kid and smiled. The kid came forward and opened his mouth to speak…..

…. and what came out was complete gibberish.

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Gorbulas had made it to the spot just in time to see the Old Man Willow closing his great maw over a pair of boots. Also, he had just in time heard the answering tune from old Tom.

He quickly explained to Tom what he had seen and with a _"Hey dol! Merry dol!,_" his worries were quicklyalleviated. On Tom's rebuke, the tree had spitted out his captive.

Now, this was the part where he got the surprise of his life. A queer-looking lass, of the Big People, was sleeping soundly with her hand tucked under head. He looked at Tom for an answer, but he only got a beam of smile from him.

He nudged her, once, twice, and then she suddenly sat up leading to a collision.

"Uff!"

"Ow."

He could see her eyes widen, as if she had come to a realization about her surroundings. She quickly moved away from the offending tree and turned to them.

And stared.

And stared.

Now, he knew, most people would think Tom to be unusual, but the way she gawked was a bit overstepping the line.

He cleared his throat.

Startled, she started to speak.

But he couldn't understand even a bit of what she said. She stopped, and then started again.

He looked at his friend, who did nothing but nod and smile and hesitantly took a step towards her. She might be touched in the head, the way she was speaking and he was never truly comfortable around the Big People.

* *"Lassie, what are you doing in these parts? Where are your guardians?"* *

It was her turn to stare blankly.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

* * Words which she doesn't understand.

# # Words the others don't understand.

*# This was taken from The Lord of The Rings, Book I, "Chapter 7: In The House Of TomBombadil" with little modification.

Soooooo. Old Forest, huh? Who would have thought? ;)

How was it? Good, bad, ew? Please do tell! Any queries? Please ask me!

Thanks to all those who reviewed,  
><strong>Borys68<br>Nuka**(I'm glad you found it funny )

Thanks for reading!


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